"Are you thirsty, standing in the rain, not sure where you are or how you lost your way?  I left the ninety-nine to find the one...& you're the one."

God, please come find me.

Hi, my name is Heather.  I know this "putting myself out there" might cause some to look at me differently, or maybe even look down on me, but I want to share my thoughts, & what my life has consisted of recently. 
[this is who I am]:

I am ashamed to admit that the past almost two months have been the most non-God-directed months in my entire life...     Not to sound boastful in any way, but I have always been the one with Christian morals.  I'm the "good girl", the one who would never do anything wrong.  And I am not claiming to have done anything wrong, but recently I have made all of my own decisions, without consulting, about my life, with the very One who gave me that life.  I honestly, truly want what God has prepared and purposed for my life, but recently, I just gave up.  I told myself, "God knows how bad I have been longing for answers, just any clue or hint or help in any way that would help me make the choices I am supposed to make.  Why won't He give me just a little insight??"  But I have not done my part, I have not held up my end of the deal.  I have not been chasing God in such a thriving pursuit that would even slightly indicate how badly I actually want to catch Him.  So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.  I told myself I would never be good enough, so I, ever so easily, let go of the one person who, more than likely, knows me better than anyone else. I have, my entire life, had things handed to me.  Many like to call me spoiled, and that is true in some ways, but I just like to consider myself blessed.  God has always, always put someone in my family's path that had the ability to help us out in certain areas of our lives.  I, honestly, have never actually had to work hard for anything.  And this has apparently become a major hindrance in my life.  Especially when it comes to my love life.  (pause: I know what a lot of you are thinking at this very moment..."She has done this before.  She just can't make up her mind.  After it's over, she only remembers the good things."  well, let me step in and be bold, for once in my life, and ask you to keep your two cents worth to yourself...please)  So, for the past two and half years, I have been involved with a man who has an eight year old son.  There are so many good times in the past 2.5 years, times where I knew that this was what I wanted.  I loved this man with all my heart and I was doing all I could to get this little boy to accept me into his little world.  But, every time things got a little tough, seeing as I've already said I have never had to really work at something so hard, I threw in the flag.  I told myself that since it was hard, I must not be right for the job.  This must not be what's right for me...right? So, recently, I gave up again.  Without prayer, I made a huge decision.  I threw away something amazing just to move one to the next thing that glittered, without prayer.  I was told every single thing a girl has ever wanted to hear.  I was treated like the woman that could make his life a better life, that would make him a better man.  I was hooked, only to be reeled in and cast back out to sea as soon as he saw something better.  I was treated just like I had just treated the man who has stood by me for two and a half years.  When things got rough, he was still there.  He never, ever gave me the slightest indication that he wanted to give up on us.  It was always me.  I am an indecisive, lazy, weak person. My pastor, last sunday night, preached a little on marriage.  He said something to the point of, "When you get married, two become one.  Marriage is about trust and forgiveness and work.  Marriage isn't about getting out as soon as you think you've fallen out of love, it's about finding a way to fall back in love again with your partner."  And I sat there thinking, "These days, it is gonna be so hard to find that person.  Find the one who will be willing to stay, no matter what hardships or difficulties you may face as a couple."  And then I realized, I am the problem.  I am the one who hasn't done just that.  Who leaves as soon as things stop looking so perfect.  And you know why?  Because I stop praying.  When things are going good, I gradually stop chasing the Lover of my soul.  He knows the desires of my heart, what I long for, and He wants to give me those things, but I just stop asking for them.  Relationships do not work unless you have the God of love right in the middle.  The equation just doesn't work.  Love - God = nothing.  So, before any more decisions are made and before any more steps are taken,  I must make right the relationship with the only person who knows best, my Savior.  He has never walked out on me or stopped loving me.  I know His arms are always there, I just have to be willing to snuggle up close.  My decision-making isn't good enough.  My life will never make sense unless it is directed by the Omniscient, Omnipotent One.  So, back to my relationship.  This man, after all I have put him through, is still willing to listen and be there.  Neither of us know what is in store for us or if it in God's will that we be together again.  We both know that prayer comes first now, as it should have always come first.  God will have to do a lot of work and a lot of proving, if that is to ever happen.  But I know God is able.  I've seen Him do a number of miracles in my lifetime.  He is capable of things I could never imagine.  Why is so hard for me to just trust Him with my life?   After all, He did create it.

so, this is my road to recovery...
my road to recollecting my cross, and healing some friendships.  I'm not gonna say that I'm not scared, because I so am.  I am scared of never being good enough.  I am scared of failing.  I am scared that some broken relationships might never be patched. But when all is said and done, God knows best.

"One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple."

the eyes are the window to the soul

this past week has been the most purpose-filled week of the past two years of my life.  ive been in Jimenez, Chihuahua, Mexico working on the mission field, helping win souls to Christ.  that place is my second home.  its an amazing feeling to wake up every morning and know that your day is going to be spent expanding Gods kingdom, & a peaceful feeling going to bed every night with the knowledge that your day has been worthwhile. the feeling of looking into people's eyes knowing that they are yearning for something, someone to tell them that God cares...its just indescribable.

about a week and a half ago, my aunt was placed in the hospital because she was having difficulty breathing.  they did an xray & found a spot on her lung, but said it could either be fungus, a blog clot, or cancer.  since then my mom has been driving back and forth to Alabama making sure she was there for all the doctors appointments.  today, the biopsy report came back in & they told her that my Aunt Della has lung cancer, pretty serious lung cancer at that, & if they didnt start chemo immediately, that she could possibly die within two weeks. they also told her that while at home, none of her family members were allowed to smoke inside the house.  upon hearing this, her nothing of a husband said that there was no way anyone could make him go outside to smoke.  soooo, today, my aunt moved in with her son, and my momma is going to stay with them for about a month or so. 

please pray first and foremost for my aunt.  her name is Della Vinson.  also, pray for her husband and three sons, my mom and their other seven sisters, and for the rest of our family.  none of us are certain whats to come, but pray that God gives us peace and understanding.
thanks to all...